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Found Again Faith

Today is the day I finally get my chance to hear what someone has accused me of at my place of work.

The wait – seven full days without contact, has been agonizing. Per policy, they need to investigate anything and then get back to me. I have a slight indication of an issue, but no details whatsoever. It’s been a week of contortions in ny belly, torture in my mind and physically weakening. To sit, for a full week without knowing what is to come has been, I say again, agonizing.

Though I have to admit to being tenuous at best when it has always come to my faith, without anywhere else to go, anyone to talk to, I had fallen, heavily, to God again. I have wrestled with many, many demons and in spite, sometimes in anger, sometimes in anguish and sometimes just plain looking for a sign, I have spat on my faith.

How guilty does one feel when coming back to someone after openly castigating them? How would one expect to be taken upon coming back – rather opportunistically, when in desperate need?

I don’t remember how, or why, but in my Bible, I have a bookmark, and that bookmark was stuck in on the page for Psalm 31. So I read, admittedly, akwardly at first, tenuously and desperately reaching out to anything that would offer me comfort. And I did find comfort in verse 22:

Psalm 31:22 For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee.

Help me with this, but what I take it to mean is that even though I swore at Him, cried through Him and ignored Him, blamed him … for some grand reason that I can’t fathom, He still hears me. I don’t know why anyone would want to do that – especially for me, but it speaks of a forgiveness and tenacity of which I am unable to comprehend.

And – I’ll stay with that. He hasn’t forgotten me, but instead continues to welcome me!

I have much to learn.

11:00 AM is my time. Pray for me please!

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It’s just the sound of my heart breaking – ship to shore.

I don’t even know how to start.

I just know that I’m not happy at all with the way that it’s become up to now. Life’s obstacles seem to make it a point to cluster all around me and I’m at a time and place where I’m even sometimes reluctant to step forward.

Spiritually, I’m in a constant battle with God to help me. I alternately lose faith, have read so much of the self-help books that I’m always confused about the line between helping myself and leaving it in God’s hands.

Physically, I’m in a constant battle also. I quit smoking for the last three weeks, but because of what’s happened to me in the last few days, I bought a pack today and yesterday. So ashamed of that.

I’m so fundamentally frustrated with my lack of formal education! I am enrolled for the Spring semester and am looking forward to that, but at my age when I finally get my degree, will it make a huge difference? I’m also looking at two more years after that in order to get my Bachelors.

My oldest, at fifteen, had taken a stand that it’s not worth it to come see me anymore. He feels that all we do is fight. I admit, that a lot of it has to do with his age, but I so desperately need to see him! I feel unloved by him – my greatest accomplishment and now, my most bitter disappointment.

I am so lonely! Long days without a reason to come home to. Home, for me, is not a single bed apartment with white walls and a television on for company. So lonely.

For the first time in years, I went to church. I asked God if he would recognize me. I did the rosary for the first time in years and could barely hold back brimming tears. I would steal glances of parents and their children – a remember sadly the way it was for me not too long ago. The crush of what was there, and now gone, was almost a physical weight on my shoulders and chest and again would cause me to well up. I felt so guilty with my tears and with the thoughts I’m holding that staring at the floor was the what I did for most of the Mass.

I have an issue at work that is coming to a head this week. Until they call me back from a suspension, I’m unsure if I have a job waiting for me at all.

I really struggled with the idea of putting this online. Will writing help me to sort it out? Who the heck, except for me, would read it? Even someone stumbling here would not see a value and quickly move on.

Where is anyone?

S.O.S. by Tim Curry

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