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Dear God

Sure, it appears that I’ve lost faith. But, for far too long I dutifully prayed for this or that. As a kid I learned the lesson about not praying for superficial things such as a new bike, but I did pray for a family. Didn’t get it. As an adult I knew the lesson well enough to not pray for a lottery win, but I did pray for everlasting love. Didn’t get it.

I learned to not pray for silly things, but only for things that cause a greater good. I gave money away, I volunteered, went to church alone as an adult,  made sure (over arguments) that my children received the sacraments, and I doted over children who were being ignored. When I prayed it was for something meaningful such as a marriage that lasted forever, someone who would be there ‘for better or for worse’, for extended time with my children, for a meaningful position, for a chance at better education, for a way to save the only home I’ve ever lived in and for an end to icy loneliness. Didn’t get it.

I carried a set of rosary beads in my pocket for months and prayed on the way to work. I had long conversations with the Man. I read the Bible. I watched religious shows.

And now, finally, I get it – I won’t get it.

As John Lennon said There ain’t no Jesus gonna come from the sky, now that I found out I know I can cry. For me that means that though I have experienced exquisite emotional pain and damaging, altering bitterness as a result, there’s no such thing as something divine that sees and acts on those in blistering trouble.

God, maybe only for me, has been relegated to the folklore of the ancients along with Juno, Ra, Zeus, Fu-Hsing, Airmid, Great Spirit, Givinda and Vishnu. The god I followed has helped me just as much as Thor has.

There is no God. Only me. Me and you.

Read more…

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The Only One Holding Me Back …

… is me.

I heard that on of all things, a TV show the other night and it will not let go of my mind.

You know, I’ve read most likely dozens of popular self-help books over the years and they all seem to melt into one or two globs of true wisdom:

  1. Get off your ass in one form or another
  2. Make it happen, no one else will

So, guess what? I’ve been formulating and developing a new attitude these last few days.

I’ve had my required grieving period and I’m all out of tears. I’ve spouted to anyone that would listen and I’ve nothing new to add. I’ve talked and imprinted onto myself what a lousy situation I’m in and nothing’s changed. And you know, after hearing from others (and myself) that ‘things happen for a reason’, why can’t I reinvent myself?

Really, why not?

So, dangerously out in uncharted territory, I’m taking wresting back control of my will, swearing at my lost opportunities and shouting out that I can forge into an area that I’ve previously underutilized – my own determination to make things happen.

Focus areas that I’ve found are most important to me:

More, after the Break

The Pot Is Simmering

What a few days it’s been!

While out on the road Friday early afternoon, I received a call on my cell. I didn’t recognize the number but seeming as I’m out looking for a job, I can ill afford to ignore a call.

I answered and a woman asked for me, we exchanged pleasantries and she told me that as she was looking through applications, mine stuck out because of my particular niche in the industry. My heart bounded higher than the nine lords a-leaping! She asked if she could set up an interview at some point and I told her that I could do it right now! She was a bit surprised but agreed. So off I drove to the facility while clutching my rosary and praying feverishly.

It’s a larger facility than the one that I have just left, but immaculate, warm and filled with activity. Much to my surprise we talked for over an hour! It went both ways – her asking me pertinent questions, and me asking what I felt was needed to ask about the building. After the interview, and after I drove away, I had to spontaneously yell in jubilation out of pure excitement over how well it went!

Shortly after I came back home, I received another call from her. She asked if I had a formal resume and could I come back Monday for a second interview and meet with someone else as well? Of course to both!

Needless to say, the weekend was brimming over with excitement, which I could barely contain, and I constantly went over in my head as to how else I could rightly bolster my qualifications and best prepare for Monday’s huge event. I wanted to anticipate, as best as I could, what questions might be asked and have ready answers.

Friday night I picked up my children (oldest was reluctant because of wanting to hang out with his friends) and alternated my time between keeping them well-loved and busy, and anxiously going over in my head how I needed to prepare.

Reaquainted girlfriend, again, came to my aid. We brought ourselves, and our combined children, together at her home on Sunday so I could work a bit more on my resume and print it out for Monday.  By the way, I made an awesome tasting blueberry pie!

Sunday night, after my little ones (little ones?) were picked up, she came over to my place and we talked over possible interview questions, situations and possible answers. It really helped me a lot to formulate potential questions, mull over possible answers and to talk them over out loud. What a session.

I went to bed earlier than usual to insure that I would be at my best. I woke up this morning, drank my usual cups of tea, ironed a clean shirt, showered, cleaned-up and drove away to the second interview.

More, after the Break

Found Again Faith

Today is the day I finally get my chance to hear what someone has accused me of at my place of work.

The wait – seven full days without contact, has been agonizing. Per policy, they need to investigate anything and then get back to me. I have a slight indication of an issue, but no details whatsoever. It’s been a week of contortions in ny belly, torture in my mind and physically weakening. To sit, for a full week without knowing what is to come has been, I say again, agonizing.

Though I have to admit to being tenuous at best when it has always come to my faith, without anywhere else to go, anyone to talk to, I had fallen, heavily, to God again. I have wrestled with many, many demons and in spite, sometimes in anger, sometimes in anguish and sometimes just plain looking for a sign, I have spat on my faith.

How guilty does one feel when coming back to someone after openly castigating them? How would one expect to be taken upon coming back – rather opportunistically, when in desperate need?

I don’t remember how, or why, but in my Bible, I have a bookmark, and that bookmark was stuck in on the page for Psalm 31. So I read, admittedly, akwardly at first, tenuously and desperately reaching out to anything that would offer me comfort. And I did find comfort in verse 22:

Psalm 31:22 For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee.

Help me with this, but what I take it to mean is that even though I swore at Him, cried through Him and ignored Him, blamed him … for some grand reason that I can’t fathom, He still hears me. I don’t know why anyone would want to do that – especially for me, but it speaks of a forgiveness and tenacity of which I am unable to comprehend.

And – I’ll stay with that. He hasn’t forgotten me, but instead continues to welcome me!

I have much to learn.

11:00 AM is my time. Pray for me please!

It’s just the sound of my heart breaking – ship to shore.

I don’t even know how to start.

I just know that I’m not happy at all with the way that it’s become up to now. Life’s obstacles seem to make it a point to cluster all around me and I’m at a time and place where I’m even sometimes reluctant to step forward.

Spiritually, I’m in a constant battle with God to help me. I alternately lose faith, have read so much of the self-help books that I’m always confused about the line between helping myself and leaving it in God’s hands.

Physically, I’m in a constant battle also. I quit smoking for the last three weeks, but because of what’s happened to me in the last few days, I bought a pack today and yesterday. So ashamed of that.

I’m so fundamentally frustrated with my lack of formal education! I am enrolled for the Spring semester and am looking forward to that, but at my age when I finally get my degree, will it make a huge difference? I’m also looking at two more years after that in order to get my Bachelors.

My oldest, at fifteen, had taken a stand that it’s not worth it to come see me anymore. He feels that all we do is fight. I admit, that a lot of it has to do with his age, but I so desperately need to see him! I feel unloved by him – my greatest accomplishment and now, my most bitter disappointment.

I am so lonely! Long days without a reason to come home to. Home, for me, is not a single bed apartment with white walls and a television on for company. So lonely.

For the first time in years, I went to church. I asked God if he would recognize me. I did the rosary for the first time in years and could barely hold back brimming tears. I would steal glances of parents and their children – a remember sadly the way it was for me not too long ago. The crush of what was there, and now gone, was almost a physical weight on my shoulders and chest and again would cause me to well up. I felt so guilty with my tears and with the thoughts I’m holding that staring at the floor was the what I did for most of the Mass.

I have an issue at work that is coming to a head this week. Until they call me back from a suspension, I’m unsure if I have a job waiting for me at all.

I really struggled with the idea of putting this online. Will writing help me to sort it out? Who the heck, except for me, would read it? Even someone stumbling here would not see a value and quickly move on.

Where is anyone?

S.O.S. by Tim Curry

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