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Posts Tagged ‘God’

However …

Always a source of an uplifting message, always a breath of cooler air to coat my lungs, and always impossibly perky and optimistic despite the whimsical and annoying gravel that gets back-hoed in front of her path, there is one blog (among many, many others which I just haven’t stumbled across) that even when I’m not publishing for long periods of time, I visit even for just a moment.

By my going to her blog, I can only guess that a part of me still wants to believe, a part of me wants to see a positive example of someone who has been touched by divinity. On the other hand, it could also show the power of positive thinking – an ability to put ones self smack dab in the middle of the path where luck has no other alternative but to collide forcefully with you. And that’s what I’m more leaning towards.

A great message no matter which possibility you choose to interpret it as.

Unyielding in spirituality, always with a pronounced smile permeating across the prose and with accompanying pictures that are consistently happy without the baseless sweet and tacky syrup, I admit that I love the site.

Make a minute to get over to Jaclyn Rae’s Blog.

Oh, and Blessed be the Humbled.

Dear God

Sure, it appears that I’ve lost faith. But, for far too long I dutifully prayed for this or that. As a kid I learned the lesson about not praying for superficial things such as a new bike, but I did pray for a family. Didn’t get it. As an adult I knew the lesson well enough to not pray for a lottery win, but I did pray for everlasting love. Didn’t get it.

I learned to not pray for silly things, but only for things that cause a greater good. I gave money away, I volunteered, went to church alone as an adult,  made sure (over arguments) that my children received the sacraments, and I doted over children who were being ignored. When I prayed it was for something meaningful such as a marriage that lasted forever, someone who would be there ‘for better or for worse’, for extended time with my children, for a meaningful position, for a chance at better education, for a way to save the only home I’ve ever lived in and for an end to icy loneliness. Didn’t get it.

I carried a set of rosary beads in my pocket for months and prayed on the way to work. I had long conversations with the Man. I read the Bible. I watched religious shows.

And now, finally, I get it – I won’t get it.

As John Lennon said There ain’t no Jesus gonna come from the sky, now that I found out I know I can cry. For me that means that though I have experienced exquisite emotional pain and damaging, altering bitterness as a result, there’s no such thing as something divine that sees and acts on those in blistering trouble.

God, maybe only for me, has been relegated to the folklore of the ancients along with Juno, Ra, Zeus, Fu-Hsing, Airmid, Great Spirit, Givinda and Vishnu. The god I followed has helped me just as much as Thor has.

There is no God. Only me. Me and you.

Read more…

High Hopes

Out of nowhere, out of the blue, the call came ringing about 1:00 PM.

Reacquainted girlfriend called and told me that someone at her facility was being let go, and that she had already spoken to her boss about me, and her boss agreed to letting me come down to fill out the application. I quickly showered, dressed and (finally) found the facility. I filled out the application and was lucky enough that the boss came to meet me.

We had to have talked for at least a half an hour! About the facility, about what it might be lacking and how I might fit in based on my qualifications. A lovely lady, but make no bones about it, she wants things to work smoothly for her facility. She even went the step of taking copies of certain documents of mine that she needs and telling me that I could have it!

It’s not perfect. The hours are opposite of what I’m used to, it isn’t 40 hours, although they consider 30 hours full-time for benefits, and the pay isn’t great. It also hinges on them formally letting go of the other person. But, it’s a job, it provides a paycheck and now I have a rope thrown to me that I can hang on to and stop from drifting further away!

It will certainly impact my children. My schedule of how often I see them will be thrown into total disorientation, but I must go with what I have right now at this moment. And, while I’m there, I can still keep looking for a better opportunity. Not that I want to leave them hanging when I do find something else – anything but, but I must still think of more hours to support myself and my children.

This also gives me something to cling to in terms of staying in school. My plan was to go back for January classes. Without a paycheck, without starting in January, I might not get that chance for another year due to popular enrollment. So, I have the chance.

Reaquainted girlfriend. She continues to aid me in whatever way she can. I’m trying to come up with a better term for what she does for me and how I feel, but all that keeps coming up is that I’m totally humbled by her belief in me.

In the past two weeks since I called out to her for help, I have spent much time thinking about her and she has done nothing but bolster me with support.

I’ve also been praying like I hadn’t in years. Doing the rosary even! I’m becoming comfortable with my prayers and even though distracting thoughts try to constantly interfere while I’m praying, I find that I’m able to … not so much shut them out, but I’m getting the hang of dispeling them as a simple annoyance.

I’m still going out again, but having hope is an amazing feeling that I haven’t had the luxury of in a very long while!

Keep those good thoughts and prayers coming – please.

Thanks

I have my angels until Friday at 5:00 PM.

Although life would be more sustainable with them as inspiration if I were with them 24 hours a day, I will try today to imagine – suspend reality, that this is just what I have. Intercede their constant bickering with a gentle reminder of the joy of being with one another. Accept the nano-syllables or silence of my oldest when I talk to him, ignore the smart-aleck under the breath comments from my middle one and politely ask my daughter to put down her game player and interact with us.

I didn’t have a family growing up.

I shuffled foster home to foster home until I was old enough to be on my own. I sorely see the result of never acquiring the wisdom that comes from guidance, someone to steer me away from bad decisions and the pain of suffering in silent, solitary, mental confinement while others always had someone to help ground them. My experiences have always been as an individual apart – not with a relative, even a distant one, to help steer me one way or another. So, I’ve the proclivity to self-isolate. To live through joy or pain alone.

But my children, the only family I have ever known, are with me today.

They have each other and I hope that they need me. I see it as a twinkle ever so often, but sometimes I have the overpowering sinking feeling that because of divorce, they are quite used to, and adept at, being without me. Someone they must shuffle to from time to time. You can see how my past has affected my present.

But, today, I will endeavor to induce a chuckle, try to get them to watch part of a parade on TV, see if I can entice them to put away the games for a short while, try to play a board game with them, prod them to come outdoors and toss a football, help in preparing the turkey and fixings and make it a goal to capture a smile on film.

On this Thanksgiving, I am grateful for my children and the opportunity to teach them how monumentally important it is to have family. A lesson that nobody was able to teach me.

God help us, everyone.

A Quiet Breath Above The Foam

The way I figure – what else can go wrong?

Nothing.

Thus, my timid resolve, after reading a lot of positive blogs, to move ahead. Inspiration? Surely the many single mom’s who get it done. A good fact? That my speciality is still hiring – have to get out and look, but something will come up. A healthy word or two? Someone that I’ve re-contacted and who, for some glorious reason, came back without hesitation.

It’s out to a rumored opening to fill out an application, then to the former employer to tender my resignation (so I can get my very small severance pay that I badly need), over to unemployment to fill out the paperwork and then to try to gather a little money to buy food for the Thanksgiving feast that I will have with my three angels tomorrow.

More good news will come. It must and I demand it!

I have faith that God is with me.

—————————————

Well, I did apply for that position but no one was able to meet with me. It’s an application among applications.

I tendered my resignation at my now former employer – everything is very amicable actually and they gave me several leads.

I walked over to the unemployment office and everything is in the computer.

I prayed a quiet rosary while driving around.

I have to begin thinking about my list of food for Thanksgiving and prepare for my angels to be dropped off. I can do this, can’t I?

Officially, the new book is now being written.

Reaching Up to Zero

The worst happened – I lost my job.

Though my bosses both told me that they knew that the multiple charges against me were trumped up, to fight back against them – all of them, would be futile. There are just too many of them to isolate one at a time and defend. There are just too many, and the long, drawn out attempt to take on line item upon line item would only weaken my integrity, ability to lead others and bring into question my character. I’m given the choice of either trying to fight or willfully resign.

We hugged, she shed a quiet tear and told me that she knew that it was bullshit, but there it was. We left on good terms. But, the reality of it comes down to money.

If I resign – signing a letter saying so, I get my built up vacation pay. Without it, I will have had no income for two weeks. However, I received bad news about resigning: resigning will not allow me to collect unemployment. Unemployment will give me a sort of safety net if I can’t find a job right away, which, obviously, I desperatly need.

I must get out immediately and find another job. Now. Though the pain and desperation cling to me as a wet and cold sheet – I don’t know … but, I need to get out there today. Thanksgiving week.

I had my children this past weekend and told them. They, as children, took it well and didn’t have any questions after I told them. What I didn’t tell them is that Daddy will only have enough money to cover December’s rent and possibly even January’s rent. This doesn’t take into account phone, cable, electricity, gas … and food.

This is Thanksgiving and I have them this year for Thanksgiving. I need to spend money for turkey and all the fixings. Each time that I’ve spent even two dollars, I receive a sinking feeling that I’m two dollars closer to living on the streets.

And, I know I couldn’t survive that.

I did go to church yesterday and my youngest son wanted to go with me! He watched me well up as I sat there in the pew and recited my rosary. I felt weak, vulnerable and pathetic knowing he saw me. But, seeing all the couples with their young children brough back such torturous memories of us going to church when we were together that I couldn’t hold back the remorse or the begging to God to turn back the clock.

These are not the boisterous thoughts that I thought I would have at my age.

Is there anybody out there?

Found Again Faith

Today is the day I finally get my chance to hear what someone has accused me of at my place of work.

The wait – seven full days without contact, has been agonizing. Per policy, they need to investigate anything and then get back to me. I have a slight indication of an issue, but no details whatsoever. It’s been a week of contortions in ny belly, torture in my mind and physically weakening. To sit, for a full week without knowing what is to come has been, I say again, agonizing.

Though I have to admit to being tenuous at best when it has always come to my faith, without anywhere else to go, anyone to talk to, I had fallen, heavily, to God again. I have wrestled with many, many demons and in spite, sometimes in anger, sometimes in anguish and sometimes just plain looking for a sign, I have spat on my faith.

How guilty does one feel when coming back to someone after openly castigating them? How would one expect to be taken upon coming back – rather opportunistically, when in desperate need?

I don’t remember how, or why, but in my Bible, I have a bookmark, and that bookmark was stuck in on the page for Psalm 31. So I read, admittedly, akwardly at first, tenuously and desperately reaching out to anything that would offer me comfort. And I did find comfort in verse 22:

Psalm 31:22 For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee.

Help me with this, but what I take it to mean is that even though I swore at Him, cried through Him and ignored Him, blamed him … for some grand reason that I can’t fathom, He still hears me. I don’t know why anyone would want to do that – especially for me, but it speaks of a forgiveness and tenacity of which I am unable to comprehend.

And – I’ll stay with that. He hasn’t forgotten me, but instead continues to welcome me!

I have much to learn.

11:00 AM is my time. Pray for me please!

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