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Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Managing Time

There’s such a lot going on each day in this past week, it has been difficult getting on and posting. Although I seem to have the time to read other posts almost daily!

Christmas turned out well. Christmas Eve the little angels fell asleep by 10:45 PM and by 11:15, Santa had written a reply note, filled the stockings and laid out the presents. True to form, my daughter was awake at 4:11 AM. The three of them woke me up at 6:00 AM sharp and it was such a delight to see all three of them in the bedroom doorway – even my oldest, with huge smiles chomping at the bit to get to the gifts.

It was a wonderful morning of tearing open paper, hugs and kisses and topped off with my cooking a full, heavy Christmas Morning breakfast. The ex came and took them at 11:00 AM and it was very sad for me. But, it was not like it was last year for me at all. This year, I had made a plan to work a shift later in the day. So, I kept busy, was around someone else who had to leave their family also and had a great talk with her. I found great comfort being there with her.

My new shift position has me coming home very late – close to midnight. But, once more, I’m grateful to have anything at all! In the beginning (heck, only last week) I was sitting in front of the tube and flipping while smoking butt after butt and then lying back and falling asleep on the couch. I’ll write a post about my nasty habit later.

My new approach when I get home is to sit for just a few moments while my PC boots up. When it’s up, I immediately sign on to Netflix and find where I left off the night before (in the middle of a movie or a documentary) and lie down in bed and watch what I can before I fall asleep. I then try to have my internal clock wake me up around 7:00 AM and get up. I want to have a rhythm going and not wake/sleep haphazardly.

I’ve taken to go online and read up on my class before it has even begun. I’ve found online tests that I can take for each chapter and can pinpoint some nuance that I don’t quite grasp and study harder. I am determined to be well prepared and ace the class. As far as financial aid, I find that I have to wait until next week to try to straighten out any money issues because naturally, they’re closed for the holidays. But I’ll get up there Monday and have a face to face to see what might be done. Worst case scenario is that I don’t get anything for now. However, I’ll bring my checkbook, arrange for a payment plan, make the first payment and keep applying like crazy – there has to be something that I qualify for and I’m confident that I’ll get something.

There’s something huge that’s been bothering me – reacquainted girlfriend. Something in my mind that’s been, again, telling me that she’s not the person I want to be with. Much as I try to stay fully committed, I have this dreadful feeling that I simply do not want to be with her. Or, maybe it’s that I’m not excited by her company? She’s certainly been a undenyable and indispensible for who constantly dispenses confidence and who cheers for me as I’ve mentioned many times before. As I stir up my reasoning I try to not dismiss it and stay my determined course with her, but try to pinpoint exactly what it is that wants me – sometimes at arm’s length, a shadow away from her. I’m feeling that a lot of it has to do with her constant, unalterable need to be close and closer to me physically. She perpetually needs long kisses, hard hugs and physical intimacy. Nothing at all wrong with that! But, it’s constant. And I just don’t want that every single moment of the time we’re together.

More, after the Break

Temp Help

Well, that about says it all.

After the devastation of not being tendered an offer after my second interview last week, I was in an orientation class for three days. It’s an orientation that will only lead to a per diem job and who knows just how many shifts I’ll pick up? It’s not full-time or even part-time, so no benefits and I’m still in the same position.

This morning I received a call to fill in a call out. Temp help. I must take it. I must take anything I can at all.

And so, Christmas looms large. No tree, no presents, no cheer. But my children – they’re so young! How can I decide between presents for them and rent?

God help me.

I dreamed of my ex last night.

Where To Now?

Post no-offer. It was almost audibly crushing my not getting the offer yesterday. I was nearly perfect in many ways for the job, yet the one thing that stopped them was that I left my last job before securing myself a new position. She said that it was strange to do that in this economy and they worried that I was a short-term employee, a job-hopper.

If the incident did not happen at my last job, I would still be there and on my way to three years of service! So, effectively, the incident at my last job not only caused me my job at the time, it also cost me my future job.

Heartbreaking for me.

Last night I met my old boss to pick up my belongings from my old position. They were already piled into cardboard boxes. It was such a bright, neon reminder of how I had ended many, many times before – a cardboard box or a plastic bag filled with my belongings when being shuffled from foster home to foster home, moving from one dirty apartment rooming house to another in my early twenties and seeing the five white baggies and a cardboard box with random items in the backseat of my car when I had to move out as my divorce was happening. And now, the image of cardboard boxes while facing the dread of my bleeding cash reserve highlighting the incoming doom of leaving my apartment.

Today, I am in an orientation for a per diem position. Funny, I never thought that I would have made it this far without a full-time position being secured. But now, here I am, sitting for a day, not able to go look for a position, preparing for a once in a while shift. And, the same tomorrow.

My anxiety is ever-increasing as the holidays approach. Am I going to be able to get a position before Christmas? Will everyone be holding off until Christmas and the New Year have passed? I wouldn’t be able to hold on that long.

What about you? Any ideas, strategies or comments? Any thoughts or December assurances?

Not Quite Dating

When I moved to where I am now, a bit after the divorce, I hadn’t seen anyone for over a year. The last time I was with someone, I was married. I was scared out of my wits at the prospect of dating.

I had the thoughts of ‘Who the heck would ever want to see me?‘ mostly because of my lack of confidence after the divorce, but also because of the crazy schedule I have with my kids. I also thought ‘What do I possibly have that anyone would be attracted to‘? Although I’m in good shape, I’m bald, I’m fifty-three, I’m a low level nurse, I don’t have money, I live in a less than desirable neighborhood because of money issues and, well, I have nothing. Most men in my age bracket are already well established, with homes, have older kids, or kids out of the house, go on vacations, have a certain level of financial stability and most women my age expect the same level when dating. And the avenues in which to meet someone around my age is severely limited. Bars are not an option and I’m not a barfly. Hanging in the park? It’s like opening a butterfly net and waiting for a butterfly to enter the net. Go to a grocery store and hang in the aisles? I couldn’t take a night class with my schedule. I was at a loss.

Compelled by staggering and overpowering loneliness sitting in a one bed apartment, I joined an online dating service. How awkward and anemic I felt as I filled out information in the required fields. I felt scared, weak about not being able to find someone on my own and nervous about the prospect of meeting someone and who I would attract.

I was so nervous, that I couldn’t bring myself to respond to a few initial emails. I’m certain that it seems silly to you reading this, but I was alternating between feeling strong and self-assured, but worthless and devalued. I felt as if I were someone who was fluffing up who he is – putting on a false brave and confident face, but underneath, being a failure who had ‘issues’.

I did gather the courage to go out and meet someone after we corresponded multiple times. She was six years younger than me, cute and she had a bubbly personality. From the beginning we talked about our ex’s and our divorces. After a few-and-far-between dates she was the one that actually leaned over and kissed me because she could tell how hesitant and nervous I was. Imagine that? A fifty-three year old man that couldn’t make the first move? I later felt ashamed about that.

Due to my schedule, we could only see each other sparingly, and that became a point of discussion between us. She wanted more time, a signal that I was committed. But, I was hesitant for many reasons. One reason was that I couldn’t know, or I couldn’t feel, that she was ‘THE one’ – the woman that I wanted to spend all my time with. Two, and most importantly to me, was my single-minded focus on working as many hours as I was physically able to in order to secure as much money as I could.

As I look over the above paragraph, I need to be more honest. I felt, despite my earlier statements, that I could ‘do better’. In hindsight, I was a cad and a loathsome man because she was the only one I was seeing. She invested heavily and without hesitation and I was tenuous and being opportunistic. I was dating her and feeling more confidence because of the experience but every so often fleetingly thinking that someone better would come along and thus, I was not putting as much effort into keeping the relationship as fulfilling as she was. I was sometimes distant, and also most times scared of committing. How does one who is still feeling the scorched earth effect of divorce segue into developing a new-found relationship that is permanent? When she began saying ‘I Love You’, I was again, scared. I used the term once in a great while back to her, but most times as an endearment and not out of passion and dedication.

As to my working all the available hours I could, I didn’t slow down my work schedule for her. Quite the opposite – I would take any opportunity to work and would have a schedule several weeks in advance of where I needed to be and when. It began that I was so drop-dead tired from all those hours, that on a night when I didn’t have my children, and I wasn’t working, I would come home from my full-time job, sit on my couch and literally fall asleep from maybe 4:30PM – 5:00PM, until I woke up at midnight, or later. Then I would go back to sleep, work, and it was a night with my children. Then the next night it would happen again. Many times I would wake up from falling asleep on the couch to find a phone message from her asking if we might see each other for an hour or so. Or worse, I would have agreed to see her, only to fall asleep and not call her back at all. Other times, on a rare night when I didn’t work or have the children, utter ennui would hit me and I would stay alone, busying myself with ‘little things’ around the apartment and never ‘got around’ to calling her. She left a few times because of my not fully committing and my  purposely not fitting her into my schedule. Last year, a few weeks before Christmas, it was one of those times.

More, after the Break

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