Home > Accomplishment > 16 and a Volcano

16 and a Volcano

The birthday boy, and his siblings, have just left and I watched as the rear red tail lights paced out of my view.

It truly was a great weekend. I told my now sixteen year old (!?!?) boy that it was his weekend and he could choose the itenerary for any activity, any show, any meal and basically, whatever he chose. I was the grantor of his wishes.

Two steaks marinated with either a barbecue or ginger sauce, scrambled egg breakfast muffins, a Harry Potter movie, killing Nazi zombies on Xbox, giving him time alone in the apartment while I towed his brother and sister to the mall to buy birthday presents from them, letting him have sips of my beer, allowing him to choose a t-shirt emblazoned with his favorite band’s logo from their official website, taking almost a hundred photos, a very expensive silver neck chain (something sentimental that will last I’m hoping), and ending it with a made from scratch red velvet cake with sixteen blazing and bobbing candles accompanied by a rousing version of ‘Happy Birthday’ while the camera rolled.

I love that boy, that broaching early manhood child of mine. That kid that’s now two inches over his tall father. That kid that possesses a killer sideways smile who still is not into girls yet. Thankfully.

It was also the weekend of a Krakatoa realization. Concerning his mother. My ex. I’ve been thinking …

Instead of the continual licking of my syrupy wounds concerning her always having her newfound and constant sidekick boyfriend that she has made so ubiquitous, it struck me that he’s no big shakes at all. Speaking objectively, yes, truthfully objectively, he is not a step above me just because he’s there instead of me!

He’s also divorced, however his only child lives many states away and lives with her grandmother(!), he is very out of shape, he’s been shown to not be very sharp and is barely making it in the world.

I’ve not been giving myself enough credit. A large fault of mine is allowing myself to be crippled by thoughts of what I don’t have without realizing what I do have.

I’m also divorced but, my children live close by and adore me, they live with their mother and are supported by me, I’m in excellent shape, have a great physique, I know that I’m intelligent and despite having to scrape by for now, I have a sunburst future in front of me.

I suddenly realized (starting about Wednesday or Thursday) that if, after divorcing me for the chance of greener grass, this is the best that she can do, I am no longer shell shocked! The battlefield nurse of post-divorce has taken me off the mound of the perpetually wounded, palm slapped me across the cheek and brought me back to the reality of what I didn’t lose and what I have always retained.

In a bizarre and perhaps misguided and shallow vein of thought, I have found a way to regain a glacier sized portion of worth and self-confidence.

Articulation of an erudite nature eludes me as I write and ramble with new perspective, but the clarity will come as I continue to forage this new ground. In no way is this an attempt to be base and spit upon what she has found (begrudgingly, I do indeed wish her good fortune) and declare that I win in some petty way, but I see that she had gambled, won small, lost even more and has come away from the roulette wheel table of mating with a black-rimmed chip that’s imprinted with ‘Settled’.

I am keenly aware of what it must sounds like at this early stage of introspection. But, bottom line, you know what? I’m much better than what she set out and prospected for.

I’m “the one that got away“.

  1. 02/28/2011 at 8:46 PM

    YES!! That is exactly the best way to look at it…you were the one that got away. It is freeing for us that were the ones that our exes left…we are free to find what was meant to be, and they will always wonder if they made the right decision or if they will regret it forever. When you put it that way, it kinda leads to some closure, doesn’t it?

  2. 03/01/2011 at 5:16 AM

    That’s exactly how it feels to me when I look at it the way that I’ve been as of late. I knew, even back then, that it was a wrong decision on her part, but I’ve been a tangled mass of emotions. So much so that I’ve not been able to see clearly. And though I still think it’s a bit narcistic of me(can’t spell right now), I know even more powerfully today that she made a huge mistake.

    So now, the best revenge is good living.

  3. 03/01/2011 at 10:19 PM

    It does indeed sound as though she’s settling and perhaps her desire for “greener pastures” in the end did you a favour.

    • 03/01/2011 at 10:20 PM

      OH! Homemade red velvet cake?! YUM!

      • 03/03/2011 at 12:07 PM

        I absolutely believe that she indeed did settle. The one that she chose to replace me is not the man I am or what the children are used to. Selfishly, I am relieved to a degree about that. On the other hand, I am not happy about it because kids have a very long memory – they will remember him and what influence he had on them at that time. Hmmm … future post?

        Yes, red velvet cake – from SCRATCH! Me? I can’t believe it that I kow how to make a cake that doesn’t come from a box! Very proud of myself.

  4. 03/02/2011 at 4:46 PM

    Good for you!

    • 03/04/2011 at 5:35 PM

      For some reason your comment went to the Spam area? Thank you for commenting – taking the time out of your schedule. I appreciate it.

      And the idea you have of documenting every day with a picture? Huge undertaking! Good luck to you and I’ve enjoyed it so far. Especially the fierce cat looking to the outside world.

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