Home > Alone > A bad, bad day

A bad, bad day

Can’t seem to get going. Simply doing … stagnation imitations.

The X is going away to Vermont with my babies on a long ski weekend. With her boyfriend.

My babies.

Away from Daddy.

My only earthly loves.

My single reason for choosing to continue pumping blood through my heart.

I couldn’t afford to do a ski weekend in Vermont. Child support, taxes, health insurance, school, rent … all dry sponges soaking up what I offer each week.

They’re enjoying time. With someone else.

Depression is winning. Only God could know how badly I need a warm and friendly palm. But even so … unbearably lonely! Difficult to hug alone.

I’m venting, but to who?

Cheer up“, “Things could be worse“, “This too shall pass“, “Hang in there“, “Look to the future” and “It does get better” – recycled thoughts that have lost value.

Pathetic and sad I know. But, my life – the film that no one is watching. Where, oh, where is the inspiration?

Desperate. Alone. It’s so damn cruel.

Write it in the blog because it’s better to let it flow somewhere than to be dizzy from fright. Anonymous is fine. Can I be moving forward if I’m facing backward?

Such a steep dive from smiles and candy hearts to thoughts of desperation and babies being so far away. Much Too Far From Home.

Lonely.

Everyone else has their own issues. I readily understand.

If you could feel the fiber in my being, the way my mind is tremoring, you’d reel back in horror.

The post took over an hour to write. Each sentance an individual iron weight in my head that has my mental muscles burning from the long and torturous workout. But it will be read in less than a minute.

It has made me cry in disgust, in sympathy and in pity. It has made me wring my hands for want of contact. It has made me look in the mirror with disgust. It has made me feel child-like. It vocalizes my helplessness. It has made me feel less of a man. It has highlighted my failures in vivid yellow streaks. But, there isn’t anyone who will be able to do the same.

I feel so vulnerable that if anyone even looked at me, I’d be fighting to hold back the tears? Who wants a man like that?

But, I’m good at pretending.

A bad, bad day.

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Categories: Alone Tags: , ,
  1. 02/19/2011 at 3:54 PM

    I’m so sorry about your day. Honestly, I can’t imagine what it must feel like to weather the storm that has cropped up in your world. Hope today is a much better day.

  2. 02/19/2011 at 8:28 PM

    There are no words I can leave here that will make it better but know that you have someone thinking of you and hoping it gets better. Hugs.

  3. 02/20/2011 at 2:10 PM

    Thank you for the comments and encouragement.

    I felt foolish right after I hit ‘Publish’ but because I don’t really have anyone to blow off steam to, and this is anonymous for me, I reasoned that I should do it anyway – it was how I was feeling and this blog allows me to vent. So, I vented.

    Much better now, thank you.

  4. 02/20/2011 at 8:39 PM

    Don’t feel foolish or badly about feeling this way. You need to feel these things and get them out in order to move on. I am glad you hit publish.

    • 02/21/2011 at 3:21 PM

      Thank you. It was better than keeping it in, and it helped to write it out and throw it out there.

  5. 02/23/2011 at 8:41 PM

    I don’t want to give you empty words, but I will say that you write beautifully and I truly believe that no matter how good or bad a situation is– it will change. Hang in there. Wishing you all good things.

  6. 02/24/2011 at 3:28 AM

    Thank you Jaclyn, you’re the second person who has commented on my writing and frankly I’m amazed because I don’t follow any form, structure or style of any kind. So it’s kind of made me look and see what’s so commentable (is that even a word?) about my writing.

    And thank you for the kind words. You are correct – it has already changed. And thank you for stopping by.

  7. youngromantic
    02/24/2011 at 11:10 PM

    I hope your day got better. You do express yourself very well and it takes tremendous guts to be so vulnerable. You say, “who wants a man like that?” I can think of a few who would appreciate the kind of honesty and self-awareness you display in this blog!

    • 02/25/2011 at 5:41 AM

      Yikes, I’m a bit embarrased in hindsight about the post, but as I said before, it was what I was feeling at the moment, so I hit ‘Publish’.

      Thank you for visiting, for the comment and for the observation.

      Now, who were you thinking of specifically?

  8. youngromantic
    02/25/2011 at 11:31 PM

    I guess it’s like reading a diary after a particularly emotional time, only in a public forum. Sometimes the things you’ve written make you cringe, but that’s how you were feeling at the time, so why judge it?

    As for your last question … lol!

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