Home > 2010, Focus Areas > Hindsight for 2010

Hindsight for 2010

Yea, always 20/20, but I want to post out loud what happened just so I can see it plainly. I want to continue to focus on what I feel are the top areas that I’ve brought up in a past post.

Work: I became lazy, haughty, randomly in (as absolutely needed) and out (constantly) of focus and much too content with where I was without direction. I allowed myself to waltz in, work where/when needed and quietly leave for the day. There were occasional triumphs but nothing to receive glory over.

School: I mistakenly poured hundreds of dollars towards pursuing a degree online, at a school where I was to pace myself. The problem was just that, it was self-paced and I didn’t pace myself at all. I accomplished nothing. There were no actual class-imposed deadlines and the one individual course I enrolled in spread over 2010 without completion. I only gave the material cursory glances here and there.

Dating: It was the slow fizz out period for me and reacquainted girlfriend. I didn’t want to commit fully. In the meantime, I whored around looking at each female I met with the idea that maybe I could get something going with her. Totally random, unnecessarily consuming for long stretches at a time and totally unfulfilling.

Faith: On again, off again. Didn’t attend church once even though it’s less than a three-minute walk. Actually, in 2010 I did start attending, but only after the spark hit the powder. I didn’t recite one rosary. Matter of fact, to my embarrassment, I swore out loud, verbally vomiting all types of venom toward God and my sundry situations.

Accomplishments: to the extent that my accomplishments were directed toward making myself the person I know that I am, I didn’t consciously do anything rearly as concrete as I should have. Like a dried maple leaf in autumn, I blew about randomly and smacked my face into each obstacle that happened in my path.

There are many more ‘fill in the details’ that I could have written and included such as not being a communicative and great friend, continuing to ‘go it alone‘, smoking again, drinking one too many here and there, not being a shining example to my children … heck, I could go on but I’m not going to publicly lean against the whipping post for more startling tales of self hindrance. Point is, I was a letdown to myself, and others, this past year.

Funny thing is, I love the saying that goes “Wherever you are, it’s exactly where you want to be“. So as hard as it is to admit it, I have to accept that I was exactly where I wanted to be because I did not exert much force at all to alter any situation. Oh, yea, I quickly knee-jerked at times, but I didn’t commit to listening to myself, nor did I take action to dispense with so-called handicaps.

Sure, there were good moments – great moments matter of fact, but as I write this I realize that there could have been so much more in my orbit, so many tangible actions I could have taken to modify circumstance in order to create dazzling opportunities.

So, with that written, I have to fully face the truth that 2010 was not a time of shining glory in the sun, and it was not a year that I am fully proud of.

However, one gloating ray of truth did happen in 2010 – I have realigned my mind these past few months and found that I do indeed have a diarrhea of positive ideas and actions that have made me realize, once again, that I am a force to be reckoned with!

P.S. This specific post was inspired by certain blogs that I enjoy reading regularly. I loved your idea of ‘the year in review’ that contrasted what you hoped for in the beginning of 2010. I want to do just that next December.

Happy New Year to all!!!

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  1. 01/03/2011 at 5:14 AM

    You know, it is very helpful to honestly assess your own progress (or lack thereof) throughout the year, but I’d be willing to bet that you did better than you think you did!

    Most of my accomplishments for this year were sort of esoteric instead of tangible. I didn’t lose weight and I didn’t turn my finances around and I didn’t date successfully.

    But I did get to know myself better. I can be proud that I functioned as well as I could given some hard circumstances and that is enough sometimes for 365 days.

    Maybe 2010 was not a banner year for you, but you got through it and you are self-aware enough to know what you want to work on, and that is what makes all the difference. Some people wander through life never taking any responsibility for themselves. So, I want to say that one of your accomplishments for the year was to figure out where you want to be. Now in 2011 you just need a plan to get there, and so do I . We can do it!

    • 01/03/2011 at 12:36 PM

      Hi Marisa,

      I’m totally agreeing with you that I did have accomplishments in 2010 as I too vaguely admitted to – both esoteric and tangible. But the general point I was making to myself is that there were not nearly as many as there could, and should, have been. And I mean to change that, giving myself a gift as it were, by reawakening the spirit that I know was dormant within me.

      My largest accomplishment was, once again, realigning my mind toward more positive living and the realization that I am ‘a catch’ to both myself and those around me.

      As for you – what a great inspiration your blog is! Pouring your heart out but also balancing that with honest and upbeat writing. When I look at my first posts …ugh! How grizzly and end of earth I sounded. But, I’m not a revisionist and I have decided to leave those posts up as a reminder to myself of how in the gutter I must have looked. But thanks to you, and a host of others that I’m reading regularly, I have remembered to remain upbeat with an ‘eye on the prize’ attitude.

      For that, I’m thankful!

      • 01/05/2011 at 4:00 PM

        Oh, thanks so much for the compliment on my blog. I am a “wear my heart on my sleeve” type person, so I don’t know how else to be if I’m not pouring my heart out. And believe me, If I had started the blog in March of 2010 when I was at the height of my depression, my posts would have looked a heck of a lot different. Even still, there are plenty of “woe is me” moments. My biggest inspiration is Jolene! LOL, she is the real positive influence in this little blog world we have going, but I am inspired by absolutely everyone. We are all doing the best we know how to do in the moment. I agree that you should not “revise” anything. I want to be able to look back on my journey and trace how far I have come. And also, MTFFH, that is what inspires the new readers. If they can go back and see the progression, they’ll believe it possible for themselves too!

        • 01/05/2011 at 4:23 PM

          I completely agree with looking back to see how far we’ve reached. I love the idea of looking back and going ‘Ugh!’ and also seeing how well I’ve done from that point in time. One can even inspire oneself!

          I also agree with there being so much inspiration out there – which I wrote about today.

          Good luck with your new apartment!!!!

  2. 01/05/2011 at 3:47 AM

    Agree with much of what Marisa had to say here! And honestly, so it wasn’t a glowing year…call it transitional. And you are being very hard on yourself, I think after all is said and done, you should be proud of yourself, for going for it with an online degree, for wanting to get back to faith (since so many couldn’t care less) etc. So, this year, you bring it all to life!

    • 01/05/2011 at 1:22 PM

      I can see a theme here. You know, I’ve heard all my life – from many, many people that I’m very hard on myself. Perhaps I am. So, I need to back off a bit … and, as I write I wonder if that is a primary reason why I am so monumentally *crushed* when unfortunate events happen. Hmmmm.

      Chalk up another valueable insight moment from starting this blog. I wouldn’t have otherwise thought of that piece of wisdom if not for putting myself out there.

      And yes – this year is the time to bring it all back to life! (I’m going to use that line and say I made it up.)

      Thank you for your comment jobo!

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