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Managing Time

There’s such a lot going on each day in this past week, it has been difficult getting on and posting. Although I seem to have the time to read other posts almost daily!

Christmas turned out well. Christmas Eve the little angels fell asleep by 10:45 PM and by 11:15, Santa had written a reply note, filled the stockings and laid out the presents. True to form, my daughter was awake at 4:11 AM. The three of them woke me up at 6:00 AM sharp and it was such a delight to see all three of them in the bedroom doorway – even my oldest, with huge smiles chomping at the bit to get to the gifts.

It was a wonderful morning of tearing open paper, hugs and kisses and topped off with my cooking a full, heavy Christmas Morning breakfast. The ex came and took them at 11:00 AM and it was very sad for me. But, it was not like it was last year for me at all. This year, I had made a plan to work a shift later in the day. So, I kept busy, was around someone else who had to leave their family also and had a great talk with her. I found great comfort being there with her.

My new shift position has me coming home very late – close to midnight. But, once more, I’m grateful to have anything at all! In the beginning (heck, only last week) I was sitting in front of the tube and flipping while smoking butt after butt and then lying back and falling asleep on the couch. I’ll write a post about my nasty habit later.

My new approach when I get home is to sit for just a few moments while my PC boots up. When it’s up, I immediately sign on to Netflix and find where I left off the night before (in the middle of a movie or a documentary) and lie down in bed and watch what I can before I fall asleep. I then try to have my internal clock wake me up around 7:00 AM and get up. I want to have a rhythm going and not wake/sleep haphazardly.

I’ve taken to go online and read up on my class before it has even begun. I’ve found online tests that I can take for each chapter and can pinpoint some nuance that I don’t quite grasp and study harder. I am determined to be well prepared and ace the class. As far as financial aid, I find that I have to wait until next week to try to straighten out any money issues because naturally, they’re closed for the holidays. But I’ll get up there Monday and have a face to face to see what might be done. Worst case scenario is that I don’t get anything for now. However, I’ll bring my checkbook, arrange for a payment plan, make the first payment and keep applying like crazy – there has to be something that I qualify for and I’m confident that I’ll get something.

There’s something huge that’s been bothering me – reacquainted girlfriend. Something in my mind that’s been, again, telling me that she’s not the person I want to be with. Much as I try to stay fully committed, I have this dreadful feeling that I simply do not want to be with her. Or, maybe it’s that I’m not excited by her company? She’s certainly been a undenyable and indispensible for who constantly dispenses confidence and who cheers for me as I’ve mentioned many times before. As I stir up my reasoning I try to not dismiss it and stay my determined course with her, but try to pinpoint exactly what it is that wants me – sometimes at arm’s length, a shadow away from her. I’m feeling that a lot of it has to do with her constant, unalterable need to be close and closer to me physically. She perpetually needs long kisses, hard hugs and physical intimacy. Nothing at all wrong with that! But, it’s constant. And I just don’t want that every single moment of the time we’re together.

It was an issue for us when we first dated, and then broke up. Twice. She admitted being ‘needy’ and I find myself quite turned off by the constant reassurances and her need for constant affection. I also need affection but I almost feel forced to always be holding and touching. It’s a fragile time for us – well, for me. I do want her around, but if I bring this up again … I’m not sure what will happen. Maybe it’s a case of ‘too much of nothing’? I have more to think about.

I slept almost all of Tuesday away! I think that it’s the adjustment to the time shift that I’m working, but even yesterday (I didn’t have to work Tuesday or Wednesday night) I was as lazy as can be! I didn’t accomplish much to speak of, but it’s a new world for me I’m not going to get down on myself too harshly for it. I’m adjusting, but I’m sitting with a full list in front of me and need to get through it before my shift tonight.

So, making the most out of the time that is allotted to me each day is an area of great importance that I’ve added to my list. I need to control carefully in order to attain the maximum benefits it can offer me. And control it I will. Even the little things matter that I’ve implemented such as doing exercises while the kettle is boiling instead of reading online will make the sharp difference. This I can put under the heading of  ‘Accomplishments‘ within my big five areas of focus.

I’m making time work for me instead of working for time.

Oh, I want to take the time to wish for everyone a Happy New Year filled with peace, happiness, prosperity, health and for reaching those goals that seemed so difficult at one time, but turn out to be just something that is there for our taking!

Just reach out, grab firmly and say “I deserve this, it’s mine!”

  1. cassee01
    12/30/2010 at 5:11 PM

    the key to any relationship is communication so with that in my mind I think you should tell her how you feel in a nice manner and both of you work on a resolution to the problem facing your relationship.

  2. 12/31/2010 at 3:39 PM

    I know you’re right cassee. Maybe it’s my feeling that it will not be good for her – she’s a constant hugger, kisser, cuddler, texting all the time, calling all the time …. She’s admitted that she’s always needy and I’m afraid that it’s just not her to not do those things.

    Hey – I know that there are those who cringe reading this! After all, who wouldn’t like to be in this position?

    Maybe the truth lies deeper? Would I mind it so much if it were someone else? Could it be that I’m ignoring the possibility that though I love her, she is not someone that I’m attracted to deeply and madly?

    Feeling guilt after all she’s done for me? You bet! She has great positives such as being a person who is blessed with keen insight, has children my kids’ age who enjoy each other, invites us over all the time, wants to take me to dinner on a gift card she received and just wants me.

    It feels like the mouse who is right on top of the cheese but the trap will not snap shut. Something is missing.

    More honest and deep thinking is needed.

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