Archive for December, 2010

Hindsight for 2010

Yea, always 20/20, but I want to post out loud what happened just so I can see it plainly. I want to continue to focus on what I feel are the top areas that I’ve brought up in a past post.

Work: I became lazy, haughty, randomly in (as absolutely needed) and out (constantly) of focus and much too content with where I was without direction. I allowed myself to waltz in, work where/when needed and quietly leave for the day. There were occasional triumphs but nothing to receive glory over.

School: I mistakenly poured hundreds of dollars towards pursuing a degree online, at a school where I was to pace myself. The problem was just that, it was self-paced and I didn’t pace myself at all. I accomplished nothing. There were no actual class-imposed deadlines and the one individual course I enrolled in spread over 2010 without completion. I only gave the material cursory glances here and there.

Dating: It was the slow fizz out period for me and reacquainted girlfriend. I didn’t want to commit fully. In the meantime, I whored around looking at each female I met with the idea that maybe I could get something going with her. Totally random, unnecessarily consuming for long stretches at a time and totally unfulfilling.

Faith: On again, off again. Didn’t attend church once even though it’s less than a three-minute walk. Actually, in 2010 I did start attending, but only after the spark hit the powder. I didn’t recite one rosary. Matter of fact, to my embarrassment, I swore out loud, verbally vomiting all types of venom toward God and my sundry situations.

Accomplishments: to the extent that my accomplishments were directed toward making myself the person I know that I am, I didn’t consciously do anything rearly as concrete as I should have. Like a dried maple leaf in autumn, I blew about randomly and smacked my face into each obstacle that happened in my path.

There are many more ‘fill in the details’ that I could have written and included such as not being a communicative and great friend, continuing to ‘go it alone‘, smoking again, drinking one too many here and there, not being a shining example to my children … heck, I could go on but I’m not going to publicly lean against the whipping post for more startling tales of self hindrance. Point is, I was a letdown to myself, and others, this past year.

Funny thing is, I love the saying that goes “Wherever you are, it’s exactly where you want to be“. So as hard as it is to admit it, I have to accept that I was exactly where I wanted to be because I did not exert much force at all to alter any situation. Oh, yea, I quickly knee-jerked at times, but I didn’t commit to listening to myself, nor did I take action to dispense with so-called handicaps.

Sure, there were good moments – great moments matter of fact, but as I write this I realize that there could have been so much more in my orbit, so many tangible actions I could have taken to modify circumstance in order to create dazzling opportunities.

So, with that written, I have to fully face the truth that 2010 was not a time of shining glory in the sun, and it was not a year that I am fully proud of.

However, one gloating ray of truth did happen in 2010 – I have realigned my mind these past few months and found that I do indeed have a diarrhea of positive ideas and actions that have made me realize, once again, that I am a force to be reckoned with!

P.S. This specific post was inspired by certain blogs that I enjoy reading regularly. I loved your idea of ‘the year in review’ that contrasted what you hoped for in the beginning of 2010. I want to do just that next December.

Happy New Year to all!!!

Categories: 2010, Focus Areas Tags:

Managing Time

There’s such a lot going on each day in this past week, it has been difficult getting on and posting. Although I seem to have the time to read other posts almost daily!

Christmas turned out well. Christmas Eve the little angels fell asleep by 10:45 PM and by 11:15, Santa had written a reply note, filled the stockings and laid out the presents. True to form, my daughter was awake at 4:11 AM. The three of them woke me up at 6:00 AM sharp and it was such a delight to see all three of them in the bedroom doorway – even my oldest, with huge smiles chomping at the bit to get to the gifts.

It was a wonderful morning of tearing open paper, hugs and kisses and topped off with my cooking a full, heavy Christmas Morning breakfast. The ex came and took them at 11:00 AM and it was very sad for me. But, it was not like it was last year for me at all. This year, I had made a plan to work a shift later in the day. So, I kept busy, was around someone else who had to leave their family also and had a great talk with her. I found great comfort being there with her.

My new shift position has me coming home very late – close to midnight. But, once more, I’m grateful to have anything at all! In the beginning (heck, only last week) I was sitting in front of the tube and flipping while smoking butt after butt and then lying back and falling asleep on the couch. I’ll write a post about my nasty habit later.

My new approach when I get home is to sit for just a few moments while my PC boots up. When it’s up, I immediately sign on to Netflix and find where I left off the night before (in the middle of a movie or a documentary) and lie down in bed and watch what I can before I fall asleep. I then try to have my internal clock wake me up around 7:00 AM and get up. I want to have a rhythm going and not wake/sleep haphazardly.

I’ve taken to go online and read up on my class before it has even begun. I’ve found online tests that I can take for each chapter and can pinpoint some nuance that I don’t quite grasp and study harder. I am determined to be well prepared and ace the class. As far as financial aid, I find that I have to wait until next week to try to straighten out any money issues because naturally, they’re closed for the holidays. But I’ll get up there Monday and have a face to face to see what might be done. Worst case scenario is that I don’t get anything for now. However, I’ll bring my checkbook, arrange for a payment plan, make the first payment and keep applying like crazy – there has to be something that I qualify for and I’m confident that I’ll get something.

There’s something huge that’s been bothering me – reacquainted girlfriend. Something in my mind that’s been, again, telling me that she’s not the person I want to be with. Much as I try to stay fully committed, I have this dreadful feeling that I simply do not want to be with her. Or, maybe it’s that I’m not excited by her company? She’s certainly been a undenyable and indispensible for who constantly dispenses confidence and who cheers for me as I’ve mentioned many times before. As I stir up my reasoning I try to not dismiss it and stay my determined course with her, but try to pinpoint exactly what it is that wants me – sometimes at arm’s length, a shadow away from her. I’m feeling that a lot of it has to do with her constant, unalterable need to be close and closer to me physically. She perpetually needs long kisses, hard hugs and physical intimacy. Nothing at all wrong with that! But, it’s constant. And I just don’t want that every single moment of the time we’re together.

More, after the Break

… Planting Seeds

I’ve been experiencing the results of specific plans being laid out within the past few months. And though they’ve been laughably knee jerk, or altogether not specifically sparked by intelligent forethought, or driven by step by step strategy, they’ve somehow borne fruit. And it’s taught me a valuable lesson.

I had applied for a position at a building where I sometimes fill in as a pool per diem. I’ve been going there for years and where I have unknowingly built up quite a peer admiration society I’ve found out. When I went there a few weeks ago to fill in, I asked those around me, those who admired my work ethic and knowledge, if there were any positions open and they quickly said that there were. Well, unknown to them, when I went back the next working day to ask the supervisor, she loved me and my resume, but had just hired two new staff members. Damn!

A few days ago I went back for a scheduled per diem shift and it was during my shift that an employee went to the supervisor and spoke of needing time off. The supervisor called me into her office, told me of the circumstances (and that she had to let that employee go due to too much time being taken off) and offered me the position! It was a whirlwind because …

I had been tendered an offer at the facility where reacquainted girlfriend works! All I was waiting for was a call from them as to when they could fit me into their orientation. It was a done deal. At the same time …

I have been at the tail end of another orientation as a per diem employee only. Orientation out of the classroom and now onto the floor was deflating to put it kindly. Never had I been in a building where so much negativity about the building and the staff flowed so freely. It was disheartening, but a building where I could get a check every once in a while. It almost physically hurt to be there.

However, all bets were off when I received an offer at the building I wanted to be in. It was a rush of good feelings – stability, working at a facility that was clean, efficient, professional, fosters team-work as more than a word game, and most importantly, it’s where I want to be!

Yesterday I called the supervisor where reacquainted girlfriend works and politely and professionally thanked them for their interest but I had received another offer that I was accepting. I then called the facility where I was on floor orientation and did the same. I later learned from reacquatinted girlfriend that her supervisor was very disappointed because she really wanted someone of my caliber to come aboard as inspiration. She said that “we lost a big one“. I then called the floor orientation building (confused? maybe I should have used building #1 and building #2) and relayed the same information to them. They were a bit more peeved. I sense that they knew my worth, but on the other hand, I was only per diem (which may only come about every month or so) and was low-balled on pay. They acted on the phone as if I were abandoning their burning ship and came off kind of righteous. But, I remained committed to staying professional and courteous and thanked them for the opportunity and that they had taught me a few things  didn’t know, so I appreciated the time with them.

Let me also add that I was contacted yesterday by yet another facility, who in the voice mail said that they ‘were very excited about my resume and were very interested in setting up an interview‘!

More, after the Break

Even the Smallest

As I get older I find that the smallest of gestures, or accomplishments, are more fulfilling than the grandest.

I’m on my quest to become everything that I haven’t lived up to in my life. While I constantly make additions to my ongoing list of things I must do, I’m finding that I take great relish in crossing them off one by one. I’ve a sense of joy and pride. I’m learning to not sulk in front of either the TV, or PC or anything else that I have done in the past in order to fill myself with defeat and ennui. I instead am forcing myself to consult my checklist and find something to cross off.

I’ve been in an orientation at a building that will only hire me per diem and Friday was my first day on the actual floor. I’ve been greatly disappointed with the environment and with the staff that seem to all be in their own distant world – nary a ‘hello’ or an acknowledgement that a new person is there. I went to get my first check after the shift and was surprised that we only get paid every two weeks! I wasn’t told that. I then took the opportunity to inquire what my pay rate was. It was looked up and relayed to me. I was almost floored at how little it was! Granted, I should have asked on day one, but in my field even at my level, per diem gets compensated very well. I was stunned to note the difference between what I’m making during orientation and what my pay was at my very first job in my new career! However, on the other hand, in an effort to remain positive and be thankful for what I have, I’m looking at it as it is better to have something than to have nothing.

So, for that I am grateful and have the attitude that it’s not forever, and something else much better will come my way soon!

I’ve called school and told them my situation with being out of work and asked if there is any way to receive any type of financial aid – short of a loan, to help me with this semester’s bill. They were happy to help (the lady on the line even called me ‘honey’ and told me not to worry which almost made me well up a little – I’m so grateful for individualized attention) and have sent me a form to fill out showing my change in income.

So, I’m hoping that I can get even a little something so I can live and still attend school.

More, after the Break

The Only One Holding Me Back …

… is me.

I heard that on of all things, a TV show the other night and it will not let go of my mind.

You know, I’ve read most likely dozens of popular self-help books over the years and they all seem to melt into one or two globs of true wisdom:

  1. Get off your ass in one form or another
  2. Make it happen, no one else will

So, guess what? I’ve been formulating and developing a new attitude these last few days.

I’ve had my required grieving period and I’m all out of tears. I’ve spouted to anyone that would listen and I’ve nothing new to add. I’ve talked and imprinted onto myself what a lousy situation I’m in and nothing’s changed. And you know, after hearing from others (and myself) that ‘things happen for a reason’, why can’t I reinvent myself?

Really, why not?

So, dangerously out in uncharted territory, I’m taking wresting back control of my will, swearing at my lost opportunities and shouting out that I can forge into an area that I’ve previously underutilized – my own determination to make things happen.

Focus areas that I’ve found are most important to me:

More, after the Break

Temp Help

Well, that about says it all.

After the devastation of not being tendered an offer after my second interview last week, I was in an orientation class for three days. It’s an orientation that will only lead to a per diem job and who knows just how many shifts I’ll pick up? It’s not full-time or even part-time, so no benefits and I’m still in the same position.

This morning I received a call to fill in a call out. Temp help. I must take it. I must take anything I can at all.

And so, Christmas looms large. No tree, no presents, no cheer. But my children – they’re so young! How can I decide between presents for them and rent?

God help me.

I dreamed of my ex last night.

Where To Now?

Post no-offer. It was almost audibly crushing my not getting the offer yesterday. I was nearly perfect in many ways for the job, yet the one thing that stopped them was that I left my last job before securing myself a new position. She said that it was strange to do that in this economy and they worried that I was a short-term employee, a job-hopper.

If the incident did not happen at my last job, I would still be there and on my way to three years of service! So, effectively, the incident at my last job not only caused me my job at the time, it also cost me my future job.

Heartbreaking for me.

Last night I met my old boss to pick up my belongings from my old position. They were already piled into cardboard boxes. It was such a bright, neon reminder of how I had ended many, many times before – a cardboard box or a plastic bag filled with my belongings when being shuffled from foster home to foster home, moving from one dirty apartment rooming house to another in my early twenties and seeing the five white baggies and a cardboard box with random items in the backseat of my car when I had to move out as my divorce was happening. And now, the image of cardboard boxes while facing the dread of my bleeding cash reserve highlighting the incoming doom of leaving my apartment.

Today, I am in an orientation for a per diem position. Funny, I never thought that I would have made it this far without a full-time position being secured. But now, here I am, sitting for a day, not able to go look for a position, preparing for a once in a while shift. And, the same tomorrow.

My anxiety is ever-increasing as the holidays approach. Am I going to be able to get a position before Christmas? Will everyone be holding off until Christmas and the New Year have passed? I wouldn’t be able to hold on that long.

What about you? Any ideas, strategies or comments? Any thoughts or December assurances?

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